saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
