I got her a Nickelback box set.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Houston, we have a squirter
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
