You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
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It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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