I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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