I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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