She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Randomize
