Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
