You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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