did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
