I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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