Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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