Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
