the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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