The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
