Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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