nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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