If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
