I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
