Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Green mimosas i think yes
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
