someone threw a dead crab at me
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
