I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
