So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
