totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
