You can't motorboat a personality
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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