Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
