i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
