My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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