I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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