....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
