I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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