hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
