Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
