Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
