i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
