Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
