So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
