Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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