im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
