You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
