Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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