I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
