I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
