Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
