Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
