I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
