I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You smell like stripper and shame
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Randomize
