my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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