Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
