Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
