Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
