Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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