It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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