my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Do vagina's smell?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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