You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
