Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
