i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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