Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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