my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
