if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
